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Colt the Armadillo #7
Issue #7
by Tom Zjaba
Colt is stuck in the great plains as a large dust storm has hit. He is dug into
the ground while he waits for it to blow over. He has a nice little burrow dug
out that looks allot like an animal hole. There is a lantern lit that
illuminates the small hole. Colt is cooking what looks like a large carrot over
the fire. As he sits there and listens to the wind howling overhead, he hears a
strange sound. He sees the dirt on one of the walls moving. An animal is trying
to dig its way into his burrow. He reaches for his pistol, fearful that a
rattlesnake may be coming into his hole. Snakes are attracted to heat and the
lantern and small fire would be a draw for the cold blooded snake. He aims the
gun at the moving dirt and waits to see what comes out. The dirt shoots out and
a small, furry head pops out of the hole. It is a prairie dog! The animal crawls
into the light and looks at Colt. Not sure what to do, Colt pulls in the carrot
and breaks off part of it and throws it at the prairie dog. Instinctively, it
jumps back. After a few seconds, it starts to move closer to the carrot and
sniffs it. It is not used to cooked carrots, so it smells odd. He takes a small
nibble of the carrot and when he realizes that he likes it, he grabs the whole
carrot and pulls it back into the hole. Colt then takes a bite of the remaining
carrot and says "Hope you are enjoying your carrot more than I am." He makes a
strange face as he keeps eating it.
The storm outside seems to have subsided a bit or at least the wind doesn't
sound as bad, so Colt decides to take a look outside. As he climbs out of the
hole, he is hit in the face by blowing dust. Instinctively, he puts his hand up
to shield the dust as he looks out over the prairie. The storm is just as bad as
it was when he went underground. He goes back into his hole and shakes the dust
off of him. "Hope Algebra is doing all right." he says as he moves back in front
of the fire. He takes another carrot and pokes a pointed stick through it and
starts roasting it.
The next morning, Colt wakes up to see the fire has burned out. Where there once
was a fire, there is now only some burnt sticks and ashes. There is light
pouring into the hole and there is no sound of howling winds. Maybe the storm is
over. Stretching, he slowly awakens and heads up through the hole. As he looks
out, he has to block the rays of the sun out of his eyes. The storm is gone and
the prairie is back to normal. As normal as one can expect after a storm like
that. As he looks around, he does see some knocked down trees. There is no
animal life around and he wonders if a twister touched down. While he has not
experienced one yet, he has heard about them. Once he climbs out of the hole, he
begins to whistle loudly. With his hands up to his lips, he is able to make a
loud whistle that can be heard across the prairie. After a minute, he looks
around to see if he can spot Algebra. He does not see any sign of him, so he
whistles again. In the distance, he sees something coming this way. He yells out
"Algebra, is that you?" A cloud of dust is rumbling towards him and soon he sees
that it is indeed Algebra coming. Colt then goes back into the hole and pulls
out his gear. He has Algebra's saddle bags, his pack, his gun and some other
bags. When Algebra gets near he grabs the donkey and gives him a big hug. "Glad
to see you made it all right." he says to him as Algebra gives him a big lick.
He then starts to put the saddle and gear back on his donkey. With the storm, he
did not want to burden him down with supplies, plus if something happened to
Algebra, he didn't want to lose his gear as well.
As Colt is getting Algebra packed up, he sees a man walking in the distance. The
man is wearing a large, floppy hat and walking with a stick. Once Algebra is
packed, Colt hops on and looks over to see the man is now closer. He appears to
be walking towards him. Colt waits to see if the man is actually coming towards
him. The man is nearer now and he can see that the man is Asian. He is also not
wearing any shoes. He has a loose shirt on and a rope for a belt. He has a pack
that he carries on his back. Colt has heard about the Asian men who came over to
work on the railroad, but this is the first time he has seen one. When the man
is finally near Colt, he stops and bows as he says "I am Paine." Colt nods his
head as he has never seen someone bow before. "I'm Colt." he says as he offers
his hand. The man looks at Colt and says "I have come to help you with your
problem." Colt gives him a strange look as he says "What problem is that?" The
man keeps a straight face as he says "Whenever I meet people, they have
problems. I help them with their problems. So what problem do you need help
with?" Colt tries to not laugh. This poor guy must have been stuck in the storm
and all the dust messed up his mind. Colt then answers "There are no problems
that I need help with." The man has an odd look on his face as he says "There
must be someone who is oppressing you or some life lesson you need to learn."
Colt just looks at him and says "Nope, just heading west." Paine then goes over
and picks up a large rock he sees on the ground "Problems are like large rocks,
if you carry them, they will weigh you down." He then goes over to Colt and
gives him the rock. Colt just drops the rock and says "What are you talking
about?" Paine starts having a flashback of when he was in China training at a
temple. There his master is making him move rocks. He says to his master "Why
must I move all these rocks, master?" The older man comes over to him and says
"Life puts obstacles in your way and you must learn to move these obstacles that
block your path." Paine looks at him and says "But these are only rocks." The
master then hits him with a stick and says "Today's rocks are tomorrow's walls.
Better to move a rock than a wall." He then walks away. When Paine comes back
to, Colt looks at him and says "Do you daydream often?" Colt then starts riding
away on Algebra when Paine runs after him "Wait, I will follow you and when you
are ready to deal with your problem, I will be there to help." Colt makes
Algebra break into a gallop to try and lose this crazy man.
Many hours later, Colt is moving slowly through some tall grass. There is a herd
of pronghorn antelope grazing and he is hunting them. After a dinner of roasted
carrots, he wants to insure he has meat for dinner tonight. He has his rifle
ready and is slowly moving up to get a better shot. Every time he moves, the
antelope loop up to see where the sound is coming from. After a minute, they
forget about the sound and return to eating. He lifts his rifle and aims at one
of the antelopes. He closes one eye and concentrates on aiming the gun. He knows
that he only has one shot to hit. He aims right at the head, hoping to kill it
instantly. As he aims, he puts his finger on the trigger and gets ready to pull
the trigger. Suddenly, he hears a noise behind him and the antelope hear it as
well as run off. Colt takes a desperation shot, but he misses them. He turns
around to see what chased them off and sees Paine running along with Algebra. He
is yelling "Colt, I have your donkey. Colt, where are you?" For a moment Colt
considers shooting him and being rid of the pest once and for all. When Colt
rises from the grass, he heads over and says "I found your lost donkey." Colt
grits his teeth and says "You mean the one that was grazing near that large tree
back there." Paine looks at him and says "How did you know where he was?" Colt
then yells "Because I left him there while I was hunting. But now you chased
away all the game, so there goes my dinner." All of a sudden Paine starts having
a flashback. He images back to when he was at the temple training under his
teacher. They are standing in a large field and the teacher says "Nature gives
us all we need. You must learn to gather your own food. I will leave you here
and you will gather food for dinner. Then you will cook it for the class." As
the teacher leaves, young Paine moves around and starts looking through the
grass. Later at the temple, all the students and teachers are waiting for Paine
to bring the meal. He brings out wooden bowls that are filled with what looks
like soup. Smoke is rising off the hot bowls. He quickly puts them in front of
each person. It takes him several minutes to bring in all the bowls. When he is
done, he sits down in front of his own bowl. The teacher then stands up and says
"Ho Lot Paine has gathered and cooked this meal with food that nature has
provided. Let us enjoy this meal." They all sit down and start eating. One by
one they start spitting out the food. As they look down they see whole bugs,
rocks and grass in their bowls. The teacher then stands up and screams at him
"What is this dreadful food?" Paine stands up and smiles "It is nature soup. It
is made of the rocks, bugs and grasses that I gathered, just like you said." The
teacher looks at him and screams "I said to gather food. This isn't suitable for
a pig, let alone a human. You have disgraced me." The flashback ends. Colt looks
at him and says "How can I be seeing your flashbacks? No matter, I am not
letting you do any cooking."
Once again, Colt is cooking carrots and other roots over the fire. He is
grumbling as he waits for his carrot to cook. Paine is eating a bowl of his
nature soup. "Are you sure you don't want any? I made extra soup." He shows his
spoon that has bugs hanging from it and a big rock in the middle. Colt says "I
am fine with my carrots." Paine smiles with his chipped teeth and eats some more
soup. Colt looks over at him and says "So how did you end up in America?" Paine
starts going into another flashback, but Colt quickly interrupts him "No more
flashbacks, just answer me." Paine looks at him with an odd look and says "My
teacher sent me here. He said I would learn humility and he sold me to a
railroad company. I worked here for a few months when my boss gave me money and
told me to go away. He said I paid my debt and it was too costly for him to keep
me." He then goes into flashback mode and despite Colt's attempt, the flashback
happens. He is working for the railroad and the boss comes up to him and says
"Here is a hundred dollars, please just leave." Paine looks at him and says
"What is wrong? Am I not a hard worker?" The man pulls out another twenty
dollars and says "Just leave. There is a wagon leaving town and it will take you
wherever you want. Here is your ticket. Now please go" Paine does not understand
but he grabs his stuff and leaves. As he walks away, all his fellow workers,
they either have broken fingers, toes or other body parts. Once he is out of
sight, they all begin are cheering. He hears the cheers and comes back to waves.
They all start grabbing items and throwing them at him. He just smiles and walks
off. When the flashback is done, Colt says "Will you please quit with the
flashbacks."
The next day, the men are walking across the prairie. Paine keeps talking and
Colt keeps telling me to shut up. "Teacher had a saying that you cannot
understand a man until you walked in his house." Paine says as he is trying to
remember the saying. Colt looks at him and says "That is stupid. Will you just
shut up." Paine ignores Colt and just keeps going on "Maybe it was walk in his
shadow. Or was it ride his horse?" Colt just puts his head down and shakes it
back and forth. He starts to mumble to himself "How do I get stuck with all the
crazy ones?" As they continue to walk along, they hear the sound of hooves.
Within a few minutes, they see the horses as they are coming over a distant
hill. It is a Calvary of U.S. Soldiers. As they ride up to Colt and Paine, the
captain waves his hand to let his men know to stop. As they come to a halt right
in front of Colt and Paine, the Captain says "Did you see a wagon come this way?
We were waiting for our new cook to arrive. It was supposed to arrive a week
ago." Colt came up with an idea and said "I haven't seen a wagon, but this man
here is an accomplished chef." The captain looks at Paine who is smiling and
nodding. "Is this true? Are you a good cook?" Paine smiles and says "Yes sir, I
have been cooking for many years." The captain then says "Well, then you now
enlisted in the United States Calvary. You will be our new cook starting today."
One of the men wave for him to climb aboard his horse. As they begin to ride
away, Colt yells out "Ask him to make his Nature Soup, it is unforgettable." As
they ride off, Colt jumps for joy. He then hops on Algebra and says "We better
get out of here before they find out the truth."
That evening, Colt is in a saloon. He is sitting at a table eating a big juicy
steak with potatoes, vegetables and fresh bread. He is devouring the food as it
is so good to eat something other than roasted carrots. As he is eating, a man
runs into the saloon and yells out "The fort has been burned down." Some of the
men jump up and says "Did the Apache do it?" The man replies "No, it wasn't any
Indians. It was some new cook they hired. He accidentally set the kitchen on
fire when he was cooking and burned down the whole fort. Everyone survived, but
they are still looking for the cook." As the men keep talking, Colt just smiles
to himself and goes back to his steak.
Colt the Armadillo
©
Tom Zjaba 1986 - 2006
(Please note - The character in the story, Ho Lot Paine
is a spoof on Kwai Chang Caine from the television series Kung Fu. He is
meant to be the exact opposite of Kwai Chang Caine and instead of being smart
and resourceful, he is dumb and accident prone. This is not meant as a
stereotype or a racial slur of any kind.)
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