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Clarence the Cow
Issue #1
by Tom Zjaba
Chapter One
The Awakening
It happened one day in a pasture in Iowa. All around the
field were cows. They were grazing on the grass as the summer sun shone down on
their backs. Hundreds of cows slowly moved around the pasture, enjoying the sun
and the grass. But there was a bull in the pasture that was not eating grass. He
was standing there and looking around. He looked at the cows as they chewed
their cud. He looked at the trees that gently swayed in the breeze. He even
looked up at the bright sun. He then did something a cow has never done before.
He got up on two legs and stood tall. As he stood up, he looked around at the
other cows, some of who noticed his strange behavior but took little notice.
Then the bull did something else that was a first for a cow. He spoke in a voice
that was more like a human's voice than a cow's voice. One might expect him to
say "Moo." But this bull was not a normal bull. He spoke in plain English as he
spoke out loud "There must be more to life!" In fact he yelled it out. This drew
the attention of the other cows who turned to see what all the commotion was.
They were surprised to see the bull standing up and yelling out. They expected
to see the farmer or one of his workers. But they didn't, they saw a bull who
was standing on two legs and acting very strange. But the grass was tasty and
the day was so nice, they ignored this oddity and went back to their mundane
lives. But for Clarence, it was the beginning of a new life. For Clarence, it
was an awakening.
Luck was on Clarence's side that day. The farmer had done the
chores early and taken his family to the big city. They were going to buy goods
and see a movie and get some dinner. Lucky for Clarence, the farmer was not
there to see his awakening. He may not be so excited to see his bull standing up
on two legs and talking. He may be worried about what it could mean. But he was
not here and Clarence was free to roam. So he decided to go and seek knowledge.
For his whole life, he only knew this farm. His life consisted of eating grass,
drinking water and mating with the cows. And until today, that was all he ever
wanted. But something inside his head turned on and now he had a thirst for
knowledge. He wanted to see what the rest of the world looked like. He wanted to
eat something other than grass. So he started walking on his two legs. He walked
to the main gate and opened it. Once it was open, he went through it. It was odd
that he even knew how to open a gate. But he did and he was happy about it. He
did close the gate as he knew the other cows would wander around if he left it
open. They did not have an awakening and were not safe to leave the farm. They
were content to eat grass. They were happy to drink from the lake. They did not
want to see the world. They only wanted to find more grass to eat. As Clarence
took one last look at the farm, he wondered where he should go. Where can a bull
go to seek knowledge? He remembered seeing the farmer drive down the road to
what he said was the big city. Maybe this road would take Clarence to a place
where he could seek knowledge.
Down the country road traveled Clarence. It was a dirt road
and dust kicked up as he stepped on the uneven road. At first he was a little
wobbly as he walked. The whole walking on two hooves was new to him. With four
hooves, it was easy to keep your balance. But two feet was a different story.
Cows are not the most graceful creatures, especially when on two feet. It takes
him a few steps to get an idea how to walk on two hooves. He looks around and is
glad no one is watching. He would be embarrassed by how silly he looks as he
wobbles back and forth and almost loses his balance. But soon he gets a hang of
walking and he is moving along. He kinda wishes someone was there to see his
accomplishment. One problem with walking on two hooves is he moves slower. A few
times he thinks about going back to four feet to speed up his progress. But now
that he has made the conscious decision to walk on two feet, he is going to
stick it out. As he walks down the empty road, he thinks about his life so far.
He wonders if his cows will miss him when he is gone. What about the calves? Do
they even realize that he is their father? It's not like he really spent that
much time with any of the many calves he sired. As he thinks about these
thoughts, a pick-up truck drives up. This kicks up allot of dust and dirt. The
pick-up is being driven by a teenage boy who looks too young to own a such a
truck. He is accompanied by two of his friends, who are also young. They are
riding along, listening to the radio very loudly. As they drive past Clarence,
the pick-up slows down. A few feet past Clarence, it comes to a halt. Clarence
slowly walks past it as the guys all look out the window at him. "Will you look
at that? That cow is walking on two feet." the driver says as he stares at the
strange sight. Clarence looks at them and says "Can you tell me where I can find
knowledge?" The boys all look at each other in amazement. That cow just talked.
They had to check with each other to make sure they all heard it. The driver
then asks "Did you just talk?" Clarence walks over to the truck, which really
freaks the kids out and says "Hello, my name is Clarence. I am looking for
knowledge." One of the passengers says "Damn, you can talk. Are like a person in
a cow costume?" Clarence thinks of the absurdity of the question. Haven't these
boys ever seen a cow before? They are in the middle of the country, surely they
know what a cow looks like. But then he remembers that a talking cow is a whole
different thing. As far as he knows, he may be the only talking cow in the area.
He may even be the only one in the world. He decides to go along with the cow
costume as he may be more willing to help him if he didn't know he was a cow.
"Yeah, this is my cow costume. Where can I find knowledge?" The boys all look at
each other and then the driver speaks up "That is a very realistic costume. We
want to help you but we never heard of Knowledge. Is that a suburb of Iowa
City?" Clarence is more confused now. While the words come easy to him and he
has no idea how, the meanings are not always there. He is so used to the simple
vocabulary of cows. They all say Moo! It is just how they say it that gives it
meaning. A long extended moo can mean a cow is calling for its calf. Short
whiney moos mean a calf is hungry. A longer higher pitched moo can mean a bull
is looking to mate. But humans have tons of words that mean all kind of things.
He wants to find knowledge as in to learn. They are talking about knowledge as a
place. He decides that he will have to rephrase the question to get a proper
response. "I am looking for a place where I can learn. I want to read books and
gain knowledge." The guys all look at each other and then say "What you want is
the library. We have a small one in town. Hop in the back and we'll give you a
ride." Clarence thanks them and then heads to the back. He looks at the door. It
takes him a minute to analyze it and decide how best to approach it. He then
takes his hooves, which for reasons he cannot explain are much more movable, and
he uses them to open the back gate and then he slowly climbs into the back. As
he gets in, the pick-up goes down as the shocks get a work-out. Weighing nearly
a ton, Clarence is no small animal. The boys up front are shocked at how low the
pick-up is riding. They whisper to each other "What a fat ass. No wonder he is
dressed like a cow." Luckily this is a heavy duty truck and can handle the extra
load. With Clarence loaded, they take off for the city and the start of
Clarence's quest for knowledge.
An hour later, the pick-up truck pulls in front of a small
library. One of the boys yells back, "Here's the library." Clarence turns and
thanks him as he proceeds to get out of the truck. Cows do not like to move
backwards and Clarence is no exception. But he finds it is the only way to get
out of the truck, so he slowly moves out. He slowly gets his back feet out and
they touch the ground. This gives him the confidence to keep going. Slowly, he
moves the rest of him out of the truck and soon he has all four feet on the
ground. Once he is secure, he returns to two feet and closes the back of the
truck and waves to the boys as they drive off. He then turns to see people
looking at him like he was a ghost. An old woman makes a sign of the cross as
she quickly moves past him. Another man does a double take at the large bull
standing on two legs. Another man takes off his glasses and wipes them and then
looks again. Clarence just waves and then makes his way into the library.
When you're a cow, your life is pretty dull. You go from a
barn to a field and then back to the barn. It is the same barn each day and the
same field. If you are lucky, you may travel to a county fair. But that is
pretty much it for your life. But Clarence is now doing something that no cow
has ever done, he is going into a library. As he walks up the door, he wonders
how it works. Luckily for him, he does not have to master the skill of opening a
door as the library is equipped with automatic doors. As the door opens, he
looks in wonder. How did that happen? But he has little time to ponder as he
comes seeking knowledge. As he walks in, he is amazed at what he finds inside.
All around him are books. To his right are children's books. To his left are
magazines and newspapers. And past that are rows and rows of books. He smiles
and quietly says "Knowledge!" He starts to walk towards the rows of books, when
he is stopped by a small boy. "Hello Cow." he says with a big smile on his face.
"Hello Boy!" he says back. "Where are your udders?" the boy asks as he looks at
Clarence's stomach. "I am a boy cow, so I don't have udders." he replies. As he
is talking to the boy, he does not see a scared mother running towards them.
Like many mothers, she got caught up in her book and did not see her boy
wandering off. But she made it a habit to look up every few chapters to make
sure her boy was not wandering off. When she saw him talking to a wild animal,
she dropped her Danielle Steele novel and rushed to save him. As she comes over,
she grabs him by the hand and pulls him "Billy, get over here, quickly." The boy
is startled as his mother yanks him away in the middle of his conversation.
"Mom, stop it." he says as he tries to resist her tugging. She quickly scorns
him "I told you not to go near wild animals." Billy pulls loose from his
mother's grasp and turns to her and says "He's not a wild animal, he is a boy
cow." Just at that moment, Clarence puts out his hoof for her to shake and says
"Hello ma'am, I am Clarence the Cow." Seeing a cow in the library was scary
enough for her. But being in farm country, it is quite possible for a cow to get
loose from a farm and wander into town. She can accept this. And as strange as
it is, a cow standing on two feet can also be possible. Highly improbably but
possible. It could be some kind of trained animal. Elephants and horses can be
taught to stand on two feet, so why not a cow? But hearing a talking cow is too
weird for her. This causes her to scream out loud. She does not scream out any
word or phrase, just the kind of scream a woman would make if a tarantula
suddenly landed on her arm. The kind of scream that says "This cannot be
happening to me." without really saying anything. And when you scream in a
library, you tend to attract attention. Lots of attention. Within moments,
people come running to see what all the screaming is about. Little do they know
that some of them will join in the screaming when they also see a cow walking on
two feet in the middle of the library. The first person to the scene is one of
the librarians. She comes over with her finger pressed to her mouth and making
the all too famous "ssshhh" noise. But as she turns to see what the woman is
screaming about, she joins in the screaming. Now there are two grown women
standing there screaming their heads off while a boy and a cow walking on two
legs watches. The sound of one person screaming is enough to attract people, but
when there are two people screaming in unison, it attracts everyone. It is not
long before everyone in the library is watching. Clarence looks around and
notices all the people and he then says to the two women "Can you please quit
screaming. You are disturbing the other people." This causes the librarian to
stop screaming. She first says "Oh sorry." But then the fact that this cow just
talked to her sinks in and she asks "You talked? That's not possible. You're a
cow." He smiles and says "Well, I am actually a bull." She then looks down
towards his lower region and says "You most definitely are." This would be
enough to shame most people and send them into fits of blushing or covering up.
But Clarence is a cow and has been naked all his life. So he does not understand
human's obsession with certain organs. He just smiles and says "My name is
Clarence, how are you?" At this point, the mother quits screaming and stops to
listen. She is breathing heavy as she just screamed for a good two minutes
straight. The librarian is not sure what to do now. She is having a conversation
with a cow in the middle of the library. But she was raised to be polite so she
then replies "I am fine, at least I was. But what are you doing in a library?
Shouldn't you be eating grass or something?" Clarence continues to smile, which
is a bit unnerving. Most people have never seen a cow smile. It is not something
they can do easily and when they do it, the results are a bit disturbing.
Clarence is not even sure where he learned to smile. Most likely he is just
mimicking the boy. "I came here seeking knowledge. I was told that a library is
a place to find knowledge." he says to the librarian who cannot stop peeking at
his nether regions. "Well, ummm...this is the place to find knowledge. Yes, that
is right. But you are a cow, what kind of knowledge could you possibly seek?" He
then looks around at the growing crowd and wonders if he will ever get to read a
book. People keep coming through the door as some of the patrons have left and
told others about the wondrous talking cow. He then returns his gaze to the
librarian, who quickly looks up at his face with an embarrassed look on her
face.
The commotion of a cow in a library has reached the police
and soon a squad car is dispatched to the library. It is not the first time that
the police had to deal with runaway farm animals. Horses have been found grazing
in the football field and a goat once walked into church during a wedding. But
cows are not an animal that typically shows up. But the police are ready for it
as they come in with their rope and long stick. They will do the typical routine
of tossing the rope over the animal's head and then leading them out with the
rope and the stick. That is the easy part. The hard part is holding the animal
until the farmer comes for his lost livestock. Some of these farmers do not
realize for days that they lost an animal and the police are stuck with the
animal. They do have a separate holding pen for animals. They had to because the
prisoners would complain about the smell when they tried to keep them in the
cells. As the two officers pull up in front of the library, the get out and are
greeted by a crowd. The people are all yelling about the cow in the library, but
the officers just ignore them as they make their way in. People tend to
exaggerate things as they get scared by a large animal in town. Cows are
generally pretty calm animals and as long as no one spooks it, the police should
easily get the animal out of the library and to their holding cell. But when
they enter the library, they see something that no prior warning could ever
prepare them for. They see a large bull that is standing on two legs and having
a conversation with the librarian. And they are able to tell it is a bull right
away by his large, curved horns. "Holy mother of..." is all the one officer can
mutter. "Please tell me that I am dreaming." the other one says as he pinches
himself. The pain proves that he is indeed awake. The librarian looks over at
the officers, which in turn causes Clarence to turn around as well. "Hello
officers!" he says as he waves his hoof at them. Both of their jaws drop to the
floor as they hear Clarence speak. The mother then comes running over to the
police and frantically says "So glad you are here. This...this...beast was
trying to snatch my kid." She keeps pointing at Clarence as she tells the police
her story. But before they can do anything about her complaints, her son runs up
to the police and says "My mom is wrong. Clarence didn't do anything to me. We
just talked." She then glares down at him and says "Billy, stay out of this." He
glares back and says "I will not stay out of this. You are wrong about
Clarence." The police look back and forth at each other and then one of them
asks "Who's Clarence?" At the same time, Billy and his mom both say "The cow."
The one officer looks at the other and says "It not only talks but it has a
name." Clarence then walks over to them, which makes them nervous and one of the
officers pulls out his gun and points it at the cow. "Stop right there." he says
as he aims the gun right at his chest. Clarence has never seen a gun before but
the scared looks on everyone's faces is enough for him to know they are not
good. The whole crowd backs up a step with the drawn gun. The other officer
grabs his hand and slowly pushes it down. "Put the gun away." he says as he
slowly gets the officer to comply. The officer with the gun is the younger of
the two and doesn't have as much experience. The shaking hands are proof of
that. But it is understandable that he is nervous as a half a ton bull on two
feet was walking towards him. That would make most people very nervous. The
older officer then asks Clarence "So tell me your side of the story." Clarence
looks at the officer who has graying hair and a moustache with streaks of grey
in it. His face is weathered and his eyes look tired. He is the exact opposite
of the younger cop who has jet black hair, a clean shaven face and an excited
look in his eyes. "I came to the library to seek knowledge and when I came in, I
was greeted by this charming young boy. We spoke for a moment when his mother
came over and started to scream. Then the librarian came over and screamed too.
I guess my presence startled them. That's its, officer." The officer folds his
arms and then looks over at the librarian. "Edith, tell me what happened?" he
says to the librarian who steps up. "It pretty much happened like the cow...I
mean bull said.” she says as she looks over at Clarence. He then asks the boy
“Did this cow, I mean bull try to hurt you in any way?” The boy shakes is head
no and then says “We only talked, honest. My mom just got scared.” The officer
then looks back at Clarence and says “I hope you understand that I have to take
you to the station.” Clarence looks at him and says “I understand.” He then
looks at the younger officer and says “Go ahead and put the rope around his
neck. But do it slowly.” As the guy comes over, Clarence puts his head down and
lets him put the rope around it. The officer then says one last thing to
Clarence “If you could please walk on four legs. It would calm down the crowd.”
Clarence looks at him with a sad face and says “I would rather not.” The officer
then says “Let’s not make this any harder than it has to be. Please just
cooperate with me.” Clarence then says “I will do it but I am not happy about
it.” He then goes down onto four legs and the officers lead him out of the
library and into a waiting trailers that is attached to the back of the squad
car.
When they arrive at the police station, they take Clarence
around the back to a small pen and put him in. It looks like a stall at the
state fair. There is a trough with water, a metal tub with feed and lots of
straw on the ground. As they lead him into the cage, they shut the door and lock
it. He turns around and stands back up. “Do you have a chair or anything?” he
asks. The older officer looks at him and says “A chair for a cow? I doubt we
have one that wouldn’t break.” Clarence then moves up to the bars and says “Can
you get me a book to read?” The officer laughs and says “I will see what I can
do.” He then walks away and leaves Clarence locked up. He looks around his cell
and frowns. He then walks to the back of the cell and sits down on the hay. As
he sits there, he makes a strange face. “When was the last time they changed
this hay? It stinks.” Realizing that he will probably be here for awhile, he
lays back and thinks about the day. He wonders if he should have left the farm.
He came to the city looking for knowledge and ends up locked in a cell. Will he
ever find the knowledge he craves or will be end up back on the farm or stuck in
a cell for the rest of his life? As he sits there, he begins to sing a song. It
is a song he heard the farmer sing numerous times. The farmer liked to sing when
he came to feed the cows or while he was cleaning the stalls. Out of all the
songs he sang, Clarence wasn't sure why this one stuck in his head, but it just
did. So he starts singing "Rocky Top you'll always be home sweet home to me.
Good old Rocky Top, Rocky Top, Tennessee."
Clarence the Cow ©
Tom Zjaba 2007
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