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Clarence the Cow
Issue #2
by Tom Zjaba
Chapter Two
Clarence's First Friend
Inside a small office, Betty Lee works on her
computer. She is researching some information on tractors for a case she has
coming up. While she is a small town lawyer, Betty Lee Williams dreams of one
day being a judge. She is trying to follow in her father's footsteps. He started
a small law firm like hers and eventually made it all the way to being a state
judge. She always admired her father and loved to see him in action. She would
go down to the courthouse and watch as everyone would rise when he entered the
room. It made her so proud of her father and she dreamed one day to become a
judge as well. She just needed a big case to get her name on the map. Little did
she know that her case has finally arrived. A call interrupts her research.
"Betty Lee Williams attorney, how may I help you?" <"Betty, this is Sally. You
gotta get down to the police station and fast. They have a client you been
waiting for."> "Come on Sally, its not another farmer with a still is it?" <"If
I told you, you'd call me crazy. Just come down here and talk to the sheriff.
Trust me on this one. Oh and you can buy me dinner at Nate's for the tip."> "If
I go down there and there is no case, then you are buying me dinner." Betty then
hangs up the phone and drags her fingers through her short brown hair. She
shakes her head and decides to go down and see what the commotion is. It is not
like she is busy. At the moment, she has one case on her docket. It involves a
farmer who wants to sue the tractor company for selling him a faulty tractor.
Betty was just looking up customer complaints to see if the problems her client
has is an isolated incident or a larger issue. She decides to put it on the back
burner and see what this case is. She can really use something interesting.
The sheriff is sitting in his desk, sorting papers. He is
trying to keep his mind on his work, which is not easy as his phone has been
ringing constantly. He has relegated the deputy to answering the phone and every
few minutes he comes in with another question. As he is sorting the papers, the
phone rings again. On the second ring, the phone is answered. A few minutes
later, he hears the deputy yell in. "Another cow call. The second grade class
wants to adopt it." The sheriff laughs as he yells back in "If I could, I would
gladly give them the cow just to stop the phone calls." He longs for the day
when things become quiet again. He is used to a handful of calls a week. So far
today, he has received a dozen calls. That is two weeks worth of calls in one
day. But then little happens in Peterson, Iowa. With a town population just
under a thousand, news travels fast. As he gets back to his paperwork, he is
interrupted again. Betty Lee Williams storms through the door and goes right up
to the desk. "Tell me Zeke, what is this I hear about some special prisoner."
The sheriff leans back and says "No go Betty Lee. Last thing I need is for you
to be poking your nose around." She puts her hands on her hips and says "I have
a right to talk to the prisoner." He just smiles as he says "Sorry but this is a
matter of national security." This really riles her up. They are in the middle
of Iowa. There is never any national security around here. "Get real Zeke. We
both know this is because I won't go on a second date with you." He knew this
was coming. It is always the reason she gives. But this time he is ready for
her. "Tell you what Betty Lee, if you go on another date with me, I will let you
see this prisoner. I guarantee it is the case you been waiting for." She crosses
her arms and glares at him "You know I could have you fired for making comments
like that." He just laughs and says "It's your word against mine and we all know
whose word is bigger in this town." She hates his chauvinistic ways but she
knows that he is the absolute law in this town. She also knows that he can and
he will keep this prisoner away from her if he so chooses. He is not a bad
looking man. Tall with dark hair and a thick moustache. Looks a little like Burt
Reynolds. But he is just so obnoxious and chauvinistic that it sickens her. She
went out with him once and when he took her back to his place to watch movies,
she had no idea they were adult movies. She stormed out of his house and had to
walk three miles home. "All right, I will go out with you on my terms. We go to a
real restaurant, no fast food or pizza. We go to a real movie, the kind where
the actors keep their clothes on and you drop me off at my house after the
movie." Zeke thinks about it and in his mind, he thinks about going to a drive
in. He then smiles and says "It's a deal." He then stands up and grabs the keys
off the wall. Come around back and I will show you the prisoner. "Around back?
Isn't that where you keep the animals?" He turns around and smiles at her and
says "Yep!"
Clarence is laying on the ground, looking at the bars. He is
bored out of his skull and wonders how he ever could stand being in a small pen
like this. In the past, he had no problem spending a night cooped up. Heck, he
did it every night. But now it seemed so claustrophobic. He could swear the bars
were getting closer. He knows it is just an optical illusion. As Betty Lee comes
around the corner with Zeke, she sees Clarence laying there in the cell. "A cow?
Your important prisoner is a cow?" Zeke looks at the cow and says "Yep. I will
leave you two to get acquainted." He laughs as he walks out. She turns to him and
says "If this is your idea of a joke, I'm not laughing." She then kicks a rock,
which goes into the cage and hits Clarence. "Hey! Watch where you are kicking
those rocks." he says to her. She does a double take when she hears him talk. "I
must be hearing things. I could have sworn I heard a cow talk." He then rolls up
into a sitting position and says "You did hear a cow talk. My name is Clarence
the Cow and that rock hurt." She closes her eyes and counts to ten. When she
finishes, she opens her eyes and looks at Clarence. This time he is standing on
two legs and is right in front of her. She screams and steps back when she sees
him standing there. "Why do human women always scream when they see me?" She
pulls out a Kleenex and wipes her forehead. "I must be having a hallucination.
It must be the sun." He then looks up at the sun and says "The sun looks the
same to me." She then says "How did you learn to talk?" He smiles at her and
says "I really don't know. I just had an awakening today and decided to search
for knowledge." She tries to control her breathing as she is nearly
hyperventilating. She takes a few deep breaths and then asks "You were searching
for knowledge?" Clarence continues talking "Yeah, I ended up at the library when
a woman started screaming at me. Then the librarian joined in and soon the
police came and took me away and locked me up." She starts to think about what
he is saying. She is still unsure how this all began. "So you had an awakening.
But who taught you to speak?" Clarence looks at her with a puzzled look on his
face. "I don't know. I just stood up and started talking. It came naturally to
me." She runs her hands through her hair as she thinks about this. "OK, we have
a cow that can talk. He goes in search of knowledge and ends up at a library. He
scares some patrons and they call for the police. They arrive and arrest him. I
think I understand this." He then smiles at her and says "That's good, but how
do I get out of here and find knowledge?" She starts pacing back and forth as
she thinks. "You didn't commit any crime, so you have been taken into custody
without a just cause. Did the police read you your Miranda Rights?" Clarence
looks at her with a puzzled look. "What are Miranda Rights?" She looks at him
and says "Of course you wouldn't know what they are. The police man would have
said You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used
against you in a court of law. That is the start of it." Clarence looks at her
with an odd look "I never heard anything like that. Is that bad?" She smiles and
says "No, it is very good. Well, it's good for you but not for the officer. But
don't say anything as I want to use it when we go to court." Clarence looks at
her and says "Court? What's court?" She smiles and says "It is where we go
before a judge and I fight for your freedom." Clarence has a worried look on his
face. "Fight? I don't want anyone to fight. You could get hurt." She laughs as
she says "Not that kind of fighting. More of a battle of words. Just hold tight
in here and I will make a few calls and we will get you freed." As she starts to
leave Clarence screams out "Could you bring me some books to read?" She looks
back and says "No problem, any special requests?" He smiles and says "Some easy
books would be good to start with." She then disappears.
Back at her office, Betty Lee is making one call after
another. She starts off with the judge. "Hello Judge Preston, this is Betty Lee.
I want to set up a hearing for my client. Oh Sheriff Zeke called and warned you.
I know he's a cow, but he can talk and reason. He has rights. I don't care what
the law says, this is a special case. Fine, then I will take it to the press.
Yeah, you can kiss your re-election chances goodbye. Don't think I will. Try
me." She then hangs up the phone. She calls a friend of hers who works for the
Associated Press. "Can I speak with Melinda Anderson? Yeah I'll hold." As she is
listening to drab elevator music, she starts writing stuff down. She starts by
putting "Did not read Miranda Rights." She then puts down "Arrested without just
cause." After a few minutes, a voice comes over the phone "Melinda here, how can
I help you?" Betty Lee almost drops the phone from excitement. "Melinda, its
Betty Lee here." Melinda recognizes the voice and replies "Betty Lee, how are
you? I haven't talked to you in months." Betty quickly interrupts her before she
goes into asking if she found a guy yet. "Melinda, I have a story for you. It's
huge, we are talking earth shattering." Melinda laughs as she hears this kind of
thing all the time. But it is usually from some crackpot who was abducted by
aliens or seen Bigfoot. But to hear it from one of her old sorority sisters and
good friends is different. "All right Betty Lee, what is it? Crop circles?" Betty
Lee is taken back by this but she ignore it and blurts it out. "I have a client
who is a talking cow and is being held in jail with no just cause." Melinda
breaks out laughing. She keeps laughing as this is new for even her. "Melinda, I
am being honest. I know it sounds insane, but I am telling he truth. I spoke
with him myself." Melinda tries to compose herself as she is still laughing.
Once she gets composure, she says "Aren't you a little old for pranks? I'm not
some wide eyed pledge anymore. We have been out of college for ten years now."
There is a bit of silence as Betty Lee thinks how to convince her friend.
"Melinda, have you ever known me to lie? When I sent you on a blind date with
the man who is your husband, Gary, was I or wasn't I right about how you were
perfect for each other?" Melinda had a feeling she was going to play this card.
And she knows that she would never have met Gary if it wasn't for her. And they
are very happy and have been married for the last five years. So she decides to
play the ultimate trump card. "Tell you what Betty Lee. If I send a reporter and
it turns out to be a waste of time, then you have to leave that one horse town
and come out to California with me." Betty Lee feared this. Ever since Melinda
tied the knot, she has been pushing for Betty Lee to come out there. She also
has been pushing for her to find a man and settle down. But Betty Lee did not
want to leave Iowa. She saw the hustle and bustle of big city life and she
prefers to slower pace of small town life. She likes knowing her neighbors and
being able to leave her front door unlocked. She loves the fresh vegetables she
grows in her garden and being able to cross a street safely. She loves breathing
in fresh air and seeing a sky full of stars at night. the last thing she would
want to do is work in some tiny office in Los Angeles and have to drive in all
that traffic. So she is taking a big risk here when she says "You have my word
that if you send a reporter and it is a bust, I will move to California and
settle down." Melinda squeals with delight. She has been waiting to hear those
words. She knows that Betty Lee was one of the brightest students she went to
school with and would do well as an attorney in LA. "All right, I will have a guy
there in a few hours. Better start packing your bags." Betty Lee laughs and says
"You will owe me big time for this story." She then hangs up the phone and
starts writing down more notes.
Two hours later, Betty Lee is enjoying a salad for lunch when
she gets a call. "Betty Lee Williams, attorney, how may I help you?" The voice
comes over. "Hello, this is Chip Wallace. I was sent by the associated press.
But I am a bit lost, can you help me out." Betty Lee laughs as she gets this
quite often. Down the road, one of the road signs fell off and they have yet to
fix it. And it gets people confused. So she gives him quick directions and then
hurries and finishes her salad. She knows he is just outside of town and will be
here in about ten minutes. With one last bite of salad and a quick drink of her
iced tea, she cleans up her mess. She then goes into the bathroom to fix herself
up. She has to look good for the camera. She checks her blouse and makes sure
she didn't drop any salad dressing on it. She swore that she would only use
ranch dressing when she wore a white blouse, but she couldn't help it and had
her favorite, Catalina. As she looks over her blouse, she is relieved to see no
stains. She quickly fastens up her top buttons. She needs to look professional
on the camera and while cleavage may be fine for models and actresses, it is not
proper for an attorney. She looks at her skirt and it looks fine. She makes sure
there isn't any lint on it. The problem with wearing black is it shows
everything. She then touches up her makeup and smiles at the mirror. While not a
gorgeous women, she is prettier than most. Her blue eyes sparkle when she talks
and she has a perfect little nose. And she has always kept herself in shape. As
much as she hates her curvy body, it is in good shape. While most women would
kill for her body, she finds it more bothersome. She would rather have a modest
figure and have men make eye contact than to have them looking everywhere but
her face. She leaves the bathroom and grabs her matching suit coat. As she puts
it on, she looks out the window and she sees a truck pull up in front of her
office. That must be the reporter. She rushes down the stairs to meet him.
As the truck pulls in front, Chip looks out the window. He
reads the sign that says "Betty Lee Williams, Attorney" and knows he is in the
right place. The small town is not the place he expected to be sent. But when
you are a freelance reporter, you go wherever the story is. Fresh out of
college, he needs to work his way up and until he does, he will get sent out for
every crazy story like this one. As he gets out of the truck, he is greeted by
Betty Lee, who is just coming out the door. "You must be Chip, how was your
flight?" He looks at her with a strange look. "I didn't fly here. I came down
from Iowa City." She looks at him with a strange look "Oh, I thought they sent
you in from California. My bad. I thought you got here awfully quick." He smiles
and shakes her hand. He does a quick look over as his eyes wander down. She
ignores it as she is used to it. If she walks past the football field at the
local high school, she hears catcalls. He then says "So where is this talking
cow?" She smiles and says "Grab your camera and follow me. We have to go to the
police station." He gives her an odd look but when she gives him a serious look
back, he goes into this truck and pulls out a camera and microphone. He mumbles
to himself "Hope I don't miss any real stories while I am wasting time here." He
then shuts the truck and runs after her as she is walking down the street. He
stays a few feet behind her, so he can watch her walk. Something about a shapely
woman in a dress walking that makes his trip not seem so bad. She looks back and
catches him walking, but just ignores it. She has more important things on her
mind than the leering of some pup reporter.
Betty Lee storms into the police station with Chip in tow.
The sheriff is still working on his paperwork. As she comes in, he looks up and
says "What do we have here?" She gives him a dirty look and says "I brought a
reporter from the associated press. Let us talk to the cow." He laughs and says
"You already owe me one date. It will cost allot more than that if you want to
bring him in." He puts his hands behind his head as he smiles at her. She scowls
at him and says "Chip, set up the camera. We can film the man who arrested the
talking cow." This gets Zeke to jump up from his chair. "Hey, no cameras in the
station." She looks at Chip and says "Go ahead and tape, we are protected by the
freedom of the press." He knows that she will be a major nuisance if he does not
let her in, so he relents. "Come on back. The last thing I want to be is a
villain." He then takes them around the back of the building.
Clarence is sitting in his cell, reading The Cat in the Hat.
When Betty Lee went out to get a salad, she stopped by the library and grabbed
some children's books for Clarence. He is interrupted by Betty Lee and the
reporter, who are being escorted by the sheriff. As he looks up from reading the
book, Chip is stunned to see a cow sitting up and reading a book. The sheriff
whispers to Betty Lee "Bringing a reporter will cost you a third date." She
looks back at him and whispers "Only if you behave yourself on the second date."
He just winks at her and then leaves. Chip sets up his camera and starts
recording it. "This is Chip Wallace at a jail in Peterson, Iowa where we have a
most unusual cow." He then zooms in on the cow who is reading his book. When the
lights from the camera glare down on him, he turns to the camera and says
"Hello! I'm Clarence the Cow!" Chip is so shocked by this that he falls
backwards, knocking the camera over. When he gets up, he fumbles for the camera
as he mutters "It talked, it really talked." Betty Lee helps him get the camera
set back up and says "I told you he could talk." Chip checks the camera, which
luckily is still working and says "Oh my God, this is huge. It is like so huge."
He then points the camera back at Clarence and says "We have a talking cow. A
real, talking cow. Oh my God." Before he can mumble anymore and sound even more
amateurish, Betty Lee grabs the camera and turns it towards her. "Hello, I am
Betty Lee Williams. I am Clarence the Cow's attorney. Right now, Clarence is
being held prisoner without just cause. I have tried to get Judge Preston to
hear the case, but he will not consider it. So I am pleading with the people of
the United States to help me free this unique animal. I will now let Clarence
the Cow tell you about his plight in his own words." She then turns the camera
to Clarence and says "Tell me about your story again Clarence." He then stands
up on his two feet and looks at Betty Lee. She whispers "Talk to the camera.
Trust me." He gives her an odd look as he has never seen a camera before. "Hi, I
am Clarence the Cow and I came to this city to see knowledge. But when I went to
the library to read books and learn, I frightened a woman who screamed and then
the police came and arrested me. And now I sit in this cell and luckily Betty
Lee brought me some books to read. Here is one I just finished called The Cat in
the Hat. He is a talking cat, yet no one locks him up. Why then do you lock up a
talking cow? I mean no one any harm, I just seek knowledge." When he finishes,
she gives the camera back to Chip and says "There is your story. Here is my
card, keep in touch." He looks at her and says "What about an interview with
Clarence?" She smiles at him and says "Trust me, I will give you allot more, but
right now I want to get my client free. And to do that, we need to get this
story as soon as possible." He tries to say something but she just says "Run
with the story and call me as soon as it runs and we will set up to have you
tape his trial. Trust me, that is going to be much bigger news. Now go!" He
smiles at her and says "This is awesome. I will get back to you, real soon. I
promise." He then runs out with his camera and runs back to the truck. Inside,
he grabs his cell phone and calls "Boss, I have the story of a lifetime."
Clarence the Cow ©
Tom Zjaba 2007
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