|
Clarence the Cow
Issue #8
by Tom Zjaba
Chapter Eight
Image Makeover
The sun is shining in the park and the birds are singing. Betty Lee and Clarence
are sprawled out on the grass, eating ice cream. She has a single scoop of
vanilla on a cone and he is enjoying his first of three banana splits. He
devours the first one like a ravenous dog, barely tasting all the flavors. Then
it hits him, the dreaded brain freeze. He winces in pain as he begins to feel
it. Betty Lee looks over at him and the weird face he is making and breaks out
laughing. She knows exactly what it is and cannot help but laugh. Clarence is
not used to eating cold things and never has experienced anything like this.
"What's wrong?" he says as he puts down the ice cream and rubs his hooves along
the sides of his head. Betty Lee keeps laughing, but is finally able to slow
down enough to tell him. "You're having a brain freeze. It is from eating ice
cream to fast. Just slow down and it won't happen again." Clarence keeps rubbing
his head to try and coax the pain away. "I will try, but this banana split is so
tasty." She comes over and rubs his head as she whispers "It will be fine." And
like magic, it goes away. Clarence looks at her and smiles. "Thank you for
taking away my pain." She smiles at him and says "It wasn't me, your brain
freeze just wore off." With the pain gone, he returns to his ice cream, only at
a slower pace.
After an enjoyable afternoon together, they head back to the office. It has been
at least five hours and she does not want to make Prime Star Services wait too
long. It's not like there is much to do in this town. Upon their arrival, they
are greeted by four men and a woman. "You must be Betty Lee Williams and this
must be Clarence the Cow." the lead man says as he puts out his hand. Betty Lee
shakes his hand and says "You must be Prime Star Services." He nods and says
"Yes we are. My name is Charles and I will be your personal agent." He then
hands her a business card. She looks at it and is impressed by the quality of
it. It is not the usual business cards that are made at the local printer, but a
high quality embossed card. It even has his picture on it. She puts it in her
pocket as she leads them to her office.
Once they are in the office, Charles introduces the rest of the team. "I want
you to meet our Image Consultants. This is Robert, our hair stylist." Before he
can carry on, Robert interrupts "I prefer being called a Hair Artist." Charles
gives him a dirty look and says "Sorry, I mean Hair Artist." Robert smiles after
hearing Charles says it. With that out of the way, Charles continues "This is
Veronica, our Make-Up Artist." He looks over at her and she nods her approval.
"This is Constance, who will handle wardrobe and last but not least is BD, your
personal trainer." She looks at the group, who all look like cast members from
some reality show. Charles is wearing an expensive Italian made suit and has the
slick back hair that makes him look like a poor copy of Gordon Gecko from the
movie Wall Street. Veronica looks like either a punk rocker or a groupie with
her strange combination of suit jacket and halter top. She is an attractive
woman, but her excessive make-up and wild, spiked hair detract from her natural
beauty. Constance looks like he just leaped off the cover of a romance novel. He
has a head of long black hair, a well groomed mustache and a bright yellow shirt
that is unbuttoned half way with his abundance of chest hair flowing out. All he
needs is the large medallions and he could be in a 70's disco. BD on the other
hand, looks like a former boxer. He is tall, solidly built and has a shaved
head. He is a dark skinned African American and wears a very tight shirt and
pants, that show off his physique. "Are they all really necessary?" Betty Lee
asks as she does not think that a cow needs a personal trainer. Charles laughs
as he says "Please let us be the judge of that." She is a bit put off by his
arrogance, but figures she will give them a chance.
As the group looks over Clarence, Charles pulls out his contract and hands it to
Betty Lee. "I think you will find the terms are exactly as were agreed upon. She
looks at the multi page document and says "I will need to read this first." She
then proceeds to sit down and begin reading. Charles jumps in "There is no need
to read all of it. I highlighted the essential parts to speed the process."
Betty Lee then puts down the contract and glares at him. "I am Clarence's lawyer
and nothing will be signed until it has been completely read. Understood?"
Charles steps back a second. He is unsure what to do. She then repeats
"Understood?" He folds his arms and says "Whatever." With that, he turns to his
crew and says "Let us begin."
The first one to come over to Clarence is Constance. He pulls out a measuring
tape and starts measuring his inseam as well as his waist. "We really need to
get some pants on him." He then measures around his chest, neck and arms. Robert
comes over and whispers to Constance "While you're at it, can you measure that
too." He then points at Clarence's male organ. Constance turns to him and says
"What possible reason is there to measure that?" Robert giggles and says "Pure
curiosity." Constance glares at him and says "Get your mind out of the gutter
and concentrate on your work." Robert walks away and mumbles "Spoil sport."
With Constance's measurements out of the way, Veronica comes over and makes a
square with her hands and looks at Clarence's face. "The eyes are definitely
your best feature. We will work on accenting the eyes." She then pulls out her
cell phone and takes a quick picture of his face. She then goes to his left side
and takes another picture. Then it is to the right side for the same thing.
"That should give me a good foundation to work with." She then walks off.
Robert comes up next. He looks at Clarence's head and says "Not allot of hair to
work with. Maybe we need to get some extensions." He runs his fingers through
the hair on Clarence's head and says "Very short, very military." He also pulls
out a cell phone and starts taking pictures. He takes a few pictures of
Clarence's head and then snaps one of his male organ. "Whoever came up with the
saying, hung like a horse, was not giving any credit to bulls." Upon hearing
this, BD comes over and says "move it or lose it." Robert turns to him and says
"You know, I like it rough." BD snarls at him and says "Not as rough as I'm
gonna make it." He then puts his fist in his open hand and grinds it back and
forth. Realizing he is in a losing battle, Robert throws up his hands and says
"All that brawn and no sense of humor."
BD then comes over and looks at Clarence. Clarence is a fair amount taller and
is much bigger than he is. And this is something that he is not used to as he is
usually the biggest person in the room. "We will need to check your body fat
percentage, but I am guessing that my scale will not handle your weight. We may
need to find an industrial strength scale." BD then puts up his hands and says
"Let's check your strength. Put your...ummm...what are those called?" Betty Lee
looks up and says "Hooves." he looks over at her and nods his appreciation. "Put
your hooves against my hand and push." Clarence looks at him odd. He does not
see the point of this. But BD insists "Please put your hooves against my hands
and push." Clarence looks at Betty Lee who nods yes. He then brings up his
hooves and puts them right up to BD's hands. He then pushes on them with his
weight behind it and knocks BD over, sending him falling back to the ground. As
BD falls, the rest of the group laughs. He has never been knocked over before.
Even he is stunned. He did not expect Clarence to be that strong. He sits up on
the floor and looks at the group "Guess we don't need to do any strength
training." They all break out laughing, including Charles.
With all the measuring and photo taking done, the group comes back over to
Robert, who is waiting for the contract. Betty Lee is still busy reading it. He
is checking his nails as he is bored. She finishes the second page and turns to
the third page. She peeks up to see the group waiting and giggles to herself.
This contract is not that involved and she could have been done already, but she
is purposely making them wait. She will teach him to be rude to her. She then
finishes reading it and puts it down. "It all looks in order. Clarence, could
you come and sign this." Clarence gives her an odd look. He has never signed
anything before. "How do I sign it?" he asks as he walks over to her. "Come here
and I will help you." she says as she places a pen between his hooves. She moves
his hand over to the contract and moves it in the shape of the letters of his
name. He is hesitant but once he sees how easy it is, he begins to smile. When
he is done, he looks at the signature that reads "Clarence the Cow" and smiles.
"That's my name." he says with pride. She then signs her name underneath his.
With that done, Betty Lee makes a copy of the contract and puts it in her
personal file. She then hands the original to him. He quickly takes it and says
"We must go. We have work to do. I will call you tomorrow and let you know about
his schedule. She looks at him and asks "His schedule?" Robert gives her a look
like she is stupid as he says "You know photo shoots, taping commercials, public
appearances, the whole works. Once I am done with the phone calls, we will have
a better idea of how busy he will be." It is now sinking in as Betty Lee thinks
about how prophetic it was when she said earlier that everything was going to
change. Just this afternoon, they were enjoying ice cream in the park and now
they are preparing for a whirlwind tour. She just nods to acknowledge that she
understands. With that, the group heads out the door. With everyone gone, Betty
Lee turns to Clarence and says "Things are going to get hectic." He just looks
at her and says "As long as we have ice cream, I will be fine." She just breaks
out laughing at his response. It is so innocent and so silly that she cannot
stop laughing. She goes over and gives him a big hug. "Promise me you will never
change." she says as she hugs him. He is unsure what she is doing or what he
should do. He just answers back "I promise that I will remain a cow."
That evening, at her house, Betty Lee decides they should celebrate and go out
to dinner. But there is only one diner in town and the food is not that good.
She wants to take Clarence to the city and buy him a nice meal, but she is
fearful of how they will respond to a bull entering their establishment. The
last thing she wants to do is deal with another possible arrest. So decides to
treat Clarence to pizza. A town over has a pizza shop and she figures they can
get take-out. It is only a fifteen minute ride away. She turns to Clarence and
says "It is time to try a new food. Ready for some pizza?" Clarence smiles and
says "I am willing to try anything." She smiles and pulls out her cell phone.
"Anthony's Pizza? I would like one...make that two extra large cheese pizzas and
one extra large veggie pizza. Yeah, I will pick it up. Thanks." She then hangs
up and says to Clarence "Wait here while I go get the pizza. You will not fit in
my car." She then goes over and turns the television on and changes the channel
to cartoons. "Watch this while I am gone." she says as Clarence stares at the
television. "What is this?" he asks as he stares at it. He is unsure what to
make of this. "That is television. What you are watching is called a cartoon.
Someone draws the pictures." Clarence sits right in front of the television and
says "It moves. That is amazing." She laughs as she says "I will be back in a
half hour. Don't go anywhere." Clarence sits right in front of the television
and is completely immersed.
Betty Lee drives quickly to the pizza shop. After this morning, she is fearful
of leaving Clarence alone for too long. How does she know if that farmer will
return of Clarence. This time he tried to use the legal system, but next time he
may not. With this thought in her mind, she pushes down on the gas pedal and
speeds up. As she drives around in her hybrid car, she curses not buying a
pick-up truck like everyone else. Being only her, she never had a need for a big
car. She wanted the great gas mileage but she had to sacrifice capacity.
With the pizzas picked up, Betty Lee races home. She is worried that Clarence
has wandered off. How long can television really keep him entertained? But as
she pulls into the driveway, she sees the television is still on. Its glow can
be seen from the front window. As she enters the house with the pizzas, she
heads to the living room and sees that Clarence has not moved an inch. He is
still there, glued to the set. She just laughs at Clarence who is like a big
kid. She then hands one of the cheese pizzas to Clarence and says "Enjoy!" The
fifteen minute car trip has cooled off the pizzas and now they are very warm
instead of piping hot. Clarence turns to her as she is starting to eat her own
piece. She puts it in her mouth and takes a bite out of the slice. Clarence just
watches her and once she finishes with that bite, he attempts it. He brings a
piece up to his mouth and quickly eats it. As he tastes the tomatoes and cheese,
he smiles. He likes the taste of pizza and soon the piece disappears in his
mouth. He then grabs another slice and within seconds, it is gone as well.
"Guess it's a hit." she says as she watches him make his extra large pizza
disappear. Once it is gone, she hands him the other one and says "Enjoy! You
earned it." He smiles and starts eating the next pizza. The rest of the night is
spent watching television, eating pizza and making popcorn. It is just the two
of them, enjoying each others company.
Clarence the Cow ©
2007 Tom Zjaba
|