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Clarence the Cow
Issue #9
by Tom Zjaba
Chapter Nine
Putting on the Ritz
The sound of a ringing phone echoes through the bedroom.
Betty Lee struggles to open her eyes as she hears the ringing in her ear. As she
rolls over and looks at the phone on her night stand, she curses the decision to
put a phone in her bedroom. She looks at the clock that sits next to the phone.
The time reads 6:30 AM. "Who is calling now?" she says as she rises from her bed
and grabs the phone. "Hello." she says in a groggy voice. "Hello Betty Lee, this
is Charles. I would like to meet for lunch and go over Clarence's itinerary."
Betty Lee wipes the sleep from her eyes as she rises and looks for her slippers.
She looks under her bed, where they are hidden and pulls them out. As she slips
them on, she asks "Itinerary?" There is a moment of silence as Charles complains
in his mind. "Remember how I told you yesterday about his schedule." Betty Lee
does remember that but was not expecting a call so soon. "You already have his
schedule? Don't you sleep?" Once again, there is a moment of silence. Charles is
getting upset with her. "When it comes to important clients, Prime Star Services
never sleeps." Betty Lee chuckles to herself as she thinks this man really needs
to be laid. "OK, so tell me what this schedule...I mean itinerary is." The sound
of a paper can be heard in the background as he begins to read. "At 2:00
PM...TODAY, we have a fitting at Mr. Mike's Big and Tall Shop. Then at 3:00 PM,
we have an appointment at The Good Side Photography Studio. Then at 5:00 PM, we
will head to the airport to catch a 6:30 flight. We should arrive, barring an
delays, at 9:30 PM. We will arrive in New York City and get a hotel for the
evening. The next morning, we are scheduled for a taping of Sesame Street in the
morning and Late Night With David Letterman in the afternoon. The next day, we
have an appearance on the Today Show. Later that afternoon, he will be throwing
out the first pitch at Yankees Stadium. The next day, he will be taping
commercials for United Dairy Farmer, Ford Trucks, Ben & Jerry's and Kraft
Cheese." When he finishes, he asks "Have you set up a bank account for Clarence
yet?" Betty Lee tries not to laugh as she says "No, I have not." She then hears
Charles say "Then you may want to do that, TODAY." She snickers to herself and
says "I am headed there now." She then asks "So where will I meet you?" Charles
quickly responds "I will be sending a car over at noon. Please be at your office
and be on time." Betty bites her lip to keep from busting out laughing. "Will
do." She then hangs up and breaks out laughing. She cannot get over how utterly
annoying he is. She then decides that she better a shower in, before he calls
back. As she undresses and gets into the shower, the phone rings again. She just
turns on the shower and lets the sound of the water drown out the phone.
At noon, Betty Lee and Clarence are heading down the street
to her office. She has a suitcase packed with clothes for herself and a garment
bag for her suits. She wants to look the part and she brought all her power
suits. She really wants to do some shopping in New York while she is there.
Since Clarence doesn't have any possessions, he is holding a small bag that has
some bottled water and snacks they bought at the local store. On their way to
the office, they past the local grade school. A bunch of kids are outside for
recess. As they see Clarence walk past, they all run over to say hello. Within
seconds, Clarence is surrounded by small children. "Clarence, can you play with
us?" the kids ask. Clarence smiles and looks at Betty Lee. She shakes her head
no. He then turns to the children with a sad face and says "Sorry, but I have to
go to a meeting. But I will play with you when I get back." The children all
cheer. Then one of the boys ask "When will you be back?" Clarence looks at Betty
Lee who says "He will be gone for a few days. But he is going to be on Sesame
Street." All the kids are excited. They then start asking questions. "Are you
going to be a Muppet?" "Can you get Big Bird's autograph for me?" Clarence just
keeps smiling as he has no idea what they are talking about. Betty Lee then
grabs Clarence and says "We have to leave. Goodbye." The kids all scream
"Goodbye Clarence!"
As they head back down the street, she looks at her watch.
The time is 12:05 PM. She will hear about it, that is for certain. Luckily they
are only a few minutes away. As they come around the corner, there is the limo
waiting in front of her office. The driver is standing outside the car, looking
at his watch. Clarence smiles as he remembers his last trip in a limo. Betty Lee
thinks in her mind <I could get used to this kind of treatment.> As they walk up
to it, the chauffer walks over and opens the door for them. They step inside and
look around at the spacious vehicle. But this time they are greeted by a ringing
phone. Betty Lee looks around for the phone and finally sees it. As she picks it
up, she hears Charles voice on the other end. "I am glad you could finally join
us." Betty Lee rolls her eyes as she is only a few minutes late. But as she has
already found out, Charles likes you to be punctual. "We were held up." she says
in the phone. Charles then answers back in a very sarcastic voice "I'm sure it
was important." He then pauses for a second to see if she comes back with a
reply. When he is sure that she is not responding, he adds "I will inform the
driver to make up for the lost time. But no more delays. You have no idea how
hard it is to get a flight for a cow." Betty Lee just laughs as it is funny. She
hears Charles say "I don't see what is so funny." She composes herself and says
"Sorry, but Clarence just made a silly face." There is a moment of silence and
then he says "Whatever. Anyway, I will see you in a few hours." He then hangs up
the phone.
As they pull away, Betty Lee looks at her office. She wonders
how long it will be before she is back there. She hates to leave her practice
with no one to fill in. But she also knows that this is a once in a lifetime
opportunity. If they really have all these deals that Charles is talking about,
her and Clarence will be set for life. As the car drives through town, she looks
out at the small town. There is the dress shop, there is the drug store and
there is the bank. The bank! She just remember that she forgot to go open a
checking account for Clarence. She knows that she will hear about it from
Charles. Part of her wants to tell the driver to stop, but she knows that it
will be worse. She can always get a bank account opened when they get back.
Clarence is enjoying the car ride. Unlike last time, he is
awake for this one. What is even better, they have a mini fridge in the car that
is stocked with bottled water and fresh fruit and sliced vegetables. Betty Lee
pulls out two bottles of water and opens them. She then hands them to Clarence
who smiles and quickly drinks both of them. She then grabs a bowl of green
grapes and starts munching on them. Clarence looks at them, wondering what they
are. "Never had grapes before?" she asks as she picks up a bunch and hands them
to Clarence. He looks at them and says "What are they?" She smiles and says
"They are called grapes. They are a fruit that grows on a vine. Very sweet." She
then picks off another one and eats it. He takes the whole bunch and sticks it
in his mouth. He begins to chew them. As he begins to taste them, a smile comes
over his face. "These are really good." he says as she grabs a handful and hands
the bowl to him. He sticks his head in the bowl and within seconds, he cleans it
out.
The limo drives through the country. Betty Lee has opened the
sun roof and Clarence is sticking out of the top. He looks over the fields as
they drive along. He sees cows and horses in the fields and thinks back to when
that was him. He can still remember when the most important thing to him was
eating. He waves at the cows, but they are too busy eating to notice him. As
they drive past a group of boys on bikes, Clarence points at them and yells
"Look, people!" The boys turn around to see a cow sticking out of the top of a
limo, staring at them. They all stare with their jaws hanging as the limo speeds
past them. Clarence waves at them as he speeds off, but they are too stunned to
do anything.
A few hours later, they arrive in Iowa City. Betty Lee makes
Clarence pull his head in. The last thing she wants is to be stopped by the
police and arrive any later. The limo stops at a red light and Betty Lee looks
out and sees a stuffy looking man in a suit, driving a BMW. She laughs and says
"I always wanted to do this." She rolls down the window and motions for the man
to do the same. At first, he ignores her. But as she does it again, he finally
rolls down the window and says "Yes?" She smiles and says "Pardon me, but do you
have any Grey Poupon mustard?" The man just makes a face of disgust as he rolls
up the window. She breaks out laughing as she also rolls up the window. Clarence
just looks at her with an odd look.
Right on time, the limo pulls up to Mr. Mike's Big and Tall
Shop. And as she expected, there is Charles standing in front of the building,
looking at his watch. As they pull up, he walks over and waits for the driver to
open the door. The driver rushes over and lets them out. As they emerge from the
limo, Charles hurries them into the store. He turns to the driver and says "Wait
here." He then pulls out some money and gives him a tip. He then quickly walks
after them as they enter the store.
Inside the store, Clarence looks around at all the clothing.
He is amazed at how many different clothes there are. Being a cow, he never
needed any clothing. But now he is here for his first clothes and part of him is
very exciting. He is not sure why he needs them, but he is willing to do what it
takes to fit in. A large man walks up to them and says "Welcome to Mr. Mike's. I
am Mike and you must be Clarence." He puts out a hand to shake and Clarence
reaches out a hoof and they shake. Mr. Mike then looks at Charles and says "I
have a few outfits ready, but with such short notice, there wasn't much I could
do." Charles shakes his hand and says "We appreciate this." Mr. Mike then takes
Clarence and says "Come this way. I will show you the clothes." Betty Lee is a
bit miffed as he did not even notice her. But what upsets her more than being
ignored by this obviously sexist oaf, is the fact that Charles did not introduce
her. She knows that he does not like her and if he has his way, he will try and
get her out of the picture.
Mr. Mike walks over to a rack that he has set aside and pulls
off two suits. One is black pinstripes and the other is white pinstripes. Both
are quite sharp. Either will go with Clarence's light brown coloring. He points
to the dressing room and says "Go ahead and try them on." Clarence looks at him
with an odd look. He has no idea what the man is saying. Betty Lee quickly steps
in and says "I will help him." She then takes him into the dressing room. Mr.
Mike is stunned and does not know what to say. Then he remembers that the
dressing room is for men only. He yells out "Excuse me, but that is a man's
dressing room." Betty Lee sticks out her head and says "Since I don't see any
dressing rooms for cows, this will have to do." She then disappears back in the
room. He turns to Charles and says "I meant her, not Clarence." Charles shakes
his head and says "She's just being difficult."
Clarence walks out, wearing the white suit. The suit fits
quite well, with ample room to move. He looks part ridiculous and part stylish.
The suit is obviously of high quality and it looks great. The suit fits very
well, which is surprising. Only when you see the cow's head sticking out of the
suit does it go from stylish to ridiculous. Betty Lee tries to keep from
laughing as Clarence shows off the suit for Charles and Mr. Mike. They have him
turning in a circle to get a feel for the fit and it just looks hilarious. Betty
Lee has to go back in the dressing room to hide her snickering. Once they are
happy with the fit, they send him back in to try the other suit. While Clarence
is putting on the next suit, Charles asks Mr. Mike "These are the only two you
have in that size?" Mr. Mike gives him a look of exhaustion. "With the short
notice, I only had time to modify these two suits. As a personal favor, I stayed
up late last night getting them ready." Charles pulls out his wad of money and
peels off a few hundred and hands it to Mr. Mike. "I appreciate the favor and as
I promised, here is your bonus." Mr. Mike counts the money and smiles. He then
walks over and picks up the bill. "Should I charge it to your account?" Charles
looks at the bill and says "Yes, please do. And let me have the measurements, I
want to call ahead to New York to get a few more suits made. I have no idea how
well they will hold up to a cow." Mr. Mike then grabs his camera and says "And
as part of our agreement, you will let me put a picture of Clarence up in one of
my suits." Charles nods in agreement and says "I let you put pictures of all the
famous clients I send your way." Mr. Mike then walks over to his wall of
pictures and looks at the empty space next to a picture of John Madden. "I have
been waiting for a picture that is worthy of being next to John Madden and I
think I will finally have it." Charles smiles and says "He is going to be huge,
trust me."
Clarence the Cow ©
2007 Tom Zjaba
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